


The Malfoy-Weasley Rulebook

by TeachUsSomethingPlease



Series: A Hat Dumps the Universe on Its Head [12]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adoption, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dark Lord Harry Potter, Drarry If You Really Squint, Eldritch Abominations, Gen, Good Malfoy Family (Harry Potter), Lists, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, wolfstar if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:27:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26875177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeachUsSomethingPlease/pseuds/TeachUsSomethingPlease
Summary: The Weasley children are orphaned at the end of the war. The Malfoys take them in. The Malfoys lighten (politically), the Weasleys darken (magically). And then the whole gang goes to school and maybe tries to take over the world with Dark Lord Harry Potter.A list of the rules created by Hogwarts Teachers in a (failed) attempt to rein in the Malfoy-Weasleys and their associates. Inspired by Dr Bright's List of Things He Must Not Do, 100 things I must not do at Hogwarts, etc.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy & Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Harry Potter & Weasley Family, Hermione Granger & Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter & Ron Weasley, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Weasley Family & Malfoy Family
Series: A Hat Dumps the Universe on Its Head [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904803
Comments: 20
Kudos: 221





	The Malfoy-Weasley Rulebook

# 1991

  1. Telling the first years that the only way to get the Malfoy complexion is to drink cleaning potions is attempted poisoning.
  2. The four houses of Hogwarts are not Politicians, Unspeakables, Explosions, and Minions. We don't care if it's accurate.
  3. The four houses of Hogwarts are not Pure-Bloods, Homework, Possibly Populated by Bees, and Explosions either.
  4. Frederick and George Malfoy-Weasley are not allowed to tell first-years what the four houses of Hogwarts are.
  5. Nobody is to tell Harry Potter he has his mother's eyes, father's hair, grandfather's skin, and great-aunt's left ear.
  6. Harry Potter's scar is not wicked, or the new Dark Mark, or both.
  7. When the school rules said a cat or an owl or a toad, that was a normal sized animal and not a baby tiger.
  8. Frederick and George Malfoy-Weasley are not allowed to sing the school song to the tune of the Death Eater Anthem.
  9. Frederick and George Malfoy-Weasley are also not allowed to make loud comments on the sorting.
  10. Just because you are in Slytherin does not mean that you need to communicate in hisses.
  11. Furthermore, encouraging Harry Potter to do so is both ridiculous and unnerving.
  12. Putting a 'kick me' sign on Professor Quirrell is cruel and will not be excused, even as a method of practicing banishing charms.
  13. Professor Quirrell's turban is not full of garlic, nor does he exude the smell of the 'unwashed masses'.
  14. Frederick and George Malfoy-Weasley are no longer allowed to make comments on Professor Quirrell.
  15. 'A violent death' does not translate to 'the first obstacle of the trials of adulthood'.
  16. Draco and Ronald Malfoy-Weasley are not allowed to start up a dragon-smuggling ring with Hagrid.
  17. Draco and Ronald Malfoy-Weasley are not allowed to start up a dragon-smuggling ring with Harry Potter.
  18. Charles Malfoy-Weasley is old enough to know better than to start up a dragon-smuggling ring.
  19. NOBODY is allowed to start up a dragon-smuggling ring, period.
  20. Serenading Fluffy does not count as an extracurricular activity.
  21. Severus Snape is not to be asked for hair-bleaching potions, nor freckle concealer, nor contact lenses.
  22. Cuttings of Devil's Snare are not suitable decorations for the Slytherin common room.
  23. Trolls are not Ronald Malfoy-Weasley's arch-nemesis, nor are they Harry Potter's.
  24. Draco Malfoy-Weasley is not to invite Hufflepuffs to the third-floor corridor for the express purpose of transporting flying keys.
  25. Mailing the Philosopher's Stone to Nicholas Flamel is a lead box with a letter declaring a life debt is not only harsh on the owls, it's probably blackmail.
  26. ~~Professor Quirrell is not the Dark Lord.~~
  27. Professor Quirrell is indeed the Dark Lord, but Harry Potter is not the 'New Dark Lord, Praise the Dark Lord, Awizard'.
  28. Hermione Granger is not 'The Pureblood Whisperer'.
  29. Frederick and George Malfoy-Weasley are not to pay off first-years to steal toilet seats.
  30. Percival Malfoy-Weasley is not to drink wine underage, even if his brothers are 'insufferable idiots'.
  31. Dying Harry Potter's hair blonde is not a legitimate method of gaining custody of him, nor does it make him a Malfoy.



# 1992

  1. Frederick and George Weasley are not allowed to blame their House Elf for their escape from the train.
  2. The Chamber of Secrets is not the name of a fancy restaurant.
  3. Nor is it the name of a muggle nightclub.
  4. Petrified cat is not the cure for detention.
  5. Lighting the caretaker on fire is not a method of checking whether he is a Squib.
  6. Ginevra Malfoy-Weasley is not the Antichrist and may not refer to herself as such.
  7. ~~Harry Potter is not a Parselmouth and therefore may not claim to be speaking when he makes disconcerting hissing noises.~~
  8. Harry Potter is a Parselmouth but the Malfoy-Weasleys may not use him as a method of scaring first-years.
  9. 'Research' is not a valid reason for summoning an Eldritch Abomination Snake from the depths of the school, no matter what Percival Malfoy-Weasley says.
  10. Nor is 'Pranks'.
  11. Nor is 'For the Vine'. None of us even knows what that means.
  12. Nor is 'It's a Bloody Huge Snake'.
  13. Nor is 'Kings deserve appropriate pets'.
  14. Nor is 'I was bored'.
  15. Ginevra Malfoy-Weasley is to be closely monitored until she gives us a better reason than 'The gods demand blood'.
  16. ~~Ginevra Malfoy-Weasley is not a high priestess in training.~~
  17. Ginevra Malfoy-Weasley is to be kept away from Bellatrix Lestrange's legacy at all times.
  18. Running a black market on the pieces of a basilisk's corpse is forbidden.
  19. Drinking Basilisk Bile will not make you stronger and Frederick and George Malfoy-Weasley are forbidden from telling people so.
  20. Hatching a basilisk in a girl's bathroom is strictly forbidden.
  21. Hatching a basilisk in a boy's bathroom is strictly forbidden.
  22. Hatching a basilisk anywhere is strictly forbidden.
  23. Percival Weasley is not allowed to rent Neville Longbottom's toad.
  24. Percival Weasley is not allowed near any amphibians unless properly supervised by a responsible member of staff.
  25. Hagrid is not a responsible member of staff.
  26. ~~Harry Potter is not allowed to teach Draco Malfoy-Weasley to speak Parseltongue.~~ Draco Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to pass on the gift of parseltongue to anyone else, and nor is Harry Potter.
  27. Ginevra Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed near fertilized eggs without proper staff supervision.
  28. Students are forbidden from hatching crow eggs under Mrs Norris.
  29. Whatever the thing in the Chamber of Secrets is that keeps spitting acid and turning birds into marble with its hiss, it is NOT ALLOWED OUT OF THE CHAMBER.
  30. ~~Hagrid is not allowed to name the Eldritch Abomination Snake in the Chamber of Secrets 'Mister Hissyfangs'.~~ Too late.
  31. Stabbing a diary with a sort-of-corporeal ghost coming out of it in the middle of lunchtime is disturbing.
  32. Ronald Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to touch basilisk fangs.



# 1993

  1. Sirius Black is not 'Dear Nutty Murderous Uncle Siri'.
  2. Percival Weasley is not allowed to experiment on dementors with various instruments of torture.
  3. Hermione Granger is not allowed to experiment on dementors either.
  4. Professor Lupin is not 'Dear Nutty Murderous Uncle Siri's Dear Nutty Possibly Less Murderous Boyfriend'.
  5. Nor is he 'Greyback with Less Creepy and More Child-Friendly'.
  6. Nor is he 'Our Grey Lord and Saviour'.
  7. Professor Lupin is not to be given nicknames at all.
  8. ~~Your worst fear is not bananas.~~ Students with a crippling fear of bananas are to be counselled by Hufflepuff students until they manifest a more appropriate fear.
  9. The Ugly Toad from the Ministry is not a valid fear either.
  10. Draco Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to write essays on 'Why the Dark should Overthrow the Establishment' and send them to Professor Lupin.
  11. Ronald Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to write essays on 'Basic Magical Principles and Also Maybe the Registry is Biased?' and send them to Professor Lupin.
  12. Harry Potter is not allowed to write essays on 'Why the Black Family Should Rule the World' and send them to Professor Lupin.
  13. Percival Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to write, edit, and publish a 200,000 word manifesto on 'The Role of Dark Magic in Our Society and the Systemic Purge of Eldritch Powers Under Guise of Civilisation' and send Professor Lupin a copy.
  14. Nobody in the Malfoy-Weasley family, nor their associates, may send Professor Lupin any more self-written literature in an attempt to corrupt him.
  15. ~~Your patronus is not a stag with massive sharp teeth.~~ What the hell, Harry.
  16. Patronuses may not be used as middle-men for the provision of bribes.
  17. Patronuses may not be cast in class as a means of communication.
  18. Patronuses may only be cast by members and associates of the Malfoy-Weasley family in an emergency situation.
  19. Whatever the failed Eldritch Abomination in the pipes is, it is NOT ALLOWED OUT.
  20. Hippogriffs are not a licensed form of transportation to Hogsmeade.
  21. Ginevra Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to paint the dormitory passwords on the tower walls.
  22. ~~Your rat is not an animagus.~~
  23. Ronald Malfoy-Weasley is not to bribe the House-Elves into murdering every rat they find just because his rat ran away.
  24. Percival Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to supply Hermione Granger with cat-compatible Nundu genetics.
  25. Crookshanks is no longer allowed to roam the school without an aspirator.
  26. Attacking Cormac McLaggen with half-a-dozen patronuses is overdoing it.
  27. Forgiveness is not 'for the weak, poor, or family'.
  28. Frederick and George Malfoy-Weasley are not qualified to officiate a marriage.
  29. Percival Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to keep a grim around for 'research purposes'.
  30. Professor Trelawney is not a liability.
  31. Percival Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to attempt to convince Professor Lupin to use the Failed Abomination as the 6th year DADA exam for 'Research Purposes', even if its identity has been narrowed down to 'Half-Rat Half-Cthulhu'.



# 1994

  1. Draco Malfoy-Weasley is no longer allowed to talk about school events before the fact.
  2. Ginevra Malfoy-Weasley does not have the authority to declare first-years 'worthy of the new order'.
  3. Nor is 'voluntarily touched the giant squid' a valid reason, anyway.
  4. Zacharias Smith is too young to initiate a blood feud.
  5. Ronald Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to carry magical weapons on him.
  6. Ronald Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to read books on creating magical weapons.
  7. People who don't know how to fend off attacks with a poisoned dagger are not allowed to antagonize Ronald Malfoy-Weasley.
  8. ~~Frederick and George Malfoy-Weasley are not allowed to attempt to breed a mate for their Eldritch Abomination Snake.~~ No students are to bring or breed on campus animals capable of self-sufficient reproduction.
  9. The spawn of the Eldritch Abomination Snake are not to be sold as tourist trinkets to the Beauxbatons students.
  10. The spawn of the Eldritch Abomination Snake are not to be sold as tourist trinkets to the Durmstrang students.
  11. The Half-Rat-Half-Cthulhu Abomination is not to be used as a zoo attraction for the Durmstrang students.
  12. Viktor Krum is no longer allowed anywhere near the Chamber of Secrets.
  13. Having an ally's name come out of the Goblet of Fire unprompted is not a valid reason for declaring a blood feud.
  14. Blood feuds cannot be declared on inanimate objects.
  15. Draco Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to experiment on curses using those who wear 'Potter Stinks' badges as targets.
  16. Harry Potter is not allowed to fly into a dragon enclosure on a broom hissing Parseltongue as loudly as he can.
  17. Whoever it is that taught Dennis Creevey to say 'Death to the Heathens' in Parseltongue will be placed in detention immediately.
  18. Blast-Ended Skrewts are not to be cross-bred with the Failed Abomination.
  19. Hermione Granger is no longer allowed near the Blast-Ended Skrewts, nor the Abomination Skrewts.
  20. Singing the Dark Lord Potter Anthem in Parseltongue is banned on school grounds.
  21. So is singing it in English.
  22. So is teaching it to the Merfolk.
  23. Draco Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed near either of the Delacour sisters unsupervised. In addition, the singing of the Dark Lord Potter Anthem in French is banned.
  24. Practicing the use of Fiendfyre on school grounds is banned.
  25. Practicing the use of Weaselfyre on school grounds is banned. In addition, Frederick and George Malfoy-Weasley are banned from experimenting with Arithmetic spell compositions.
  26. Practicing the use of Abomination-Skrewt-Fyre is banned. Hermione Granger is no longer allowed to experiment with Arithmetic spell compositions.
  27. Physical violence is hereby banned during the Triwizard Tournament.
  28. ~~Cedric Diggory is not allowed near Harry Potter unsupervised.~~ Cedric Diggory is encouraged to spend time with Harry Potter unsupervised.
  29. Ginevra Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to sacrifice Bartemius Crouch Jr. or Peter Pettigrew to the gods.
  30. Blood in the hallways is to be cleared up by the person who caused it and not Filch.
  31. Viktor Krum is not 'Assistant Dark Lord of the Bulgarian Branch'.



# 1995

  1. Detentions may not be given out during the Welcome Feast.
  2. Rule 9 of 1993 is hereby repealed.
  3. Zacharias Smith is still too young to be the cause of a blood feud.
  4. Hermione Granger is not allowed to let Crookshanks breed.
  5. The kneazle-cat-nundu offspring are not to be left outside Professor Umbridge's door.
  6. The Eldritch Abomination Snake's favourite food is not 'pink toad, finely blended'.
  7. Frederick and George Malfoy-Weasley are banned from the phrase 'our father will hear about this'.
  8. Frederick and George Malfoy-Weasley are banned from carving the phrase 'Malfoys are Kings' into their hands.
  9. Frederick and George Malfoy-Weasley are banned from carving the Malfoy-Weasley crest into their hands.
  10. Lee Jordan is not 'Minion Number 1'.
  11. Draco Malfoy-Weasley is not to advance legal proceedings towards Professor Umbridge for torture, discrimination, and crimes against fashion.
  12. Ronald Malfoy-Weasley is not to attempt to stab Professor Umbridge.
  13. Hermione Granger is not allowed near the Nifflers without supervision.
  14. The Niffler-Runespor genetic horrors are not to be left in Professor Umbridge's office.
  15. Dobby is not to be referred to as 'Our Butler and Assassin, Dobby'.
  16. House Elves are not to be used in assassination attempts, no matter how unproven.
  17. Zacharias Smith is not to be used as bait for the acromantulae.
  18. Theodore Nott is not to be used as bait for the acromantulae.
  19. Keeping a Grim as a pet is forbidden.
  20. Keeping a Grim as a minion is forbidden.
  21. Ginevra Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed within ten feet or Zacharias Smith or Theodore Nott while in possession of sharp objects.
  22. Dennis Creevey is not a High Priest in training.
  23. Dennis Creevey is not to be allowed near Zacharias Smith or Theodore Nott while in possession of sharp objects.
  24. Professor Dumbledore does not have an army.
  25. Professor Umbridge is not to be used bait for the centaurs.
  26. Ginevra Malfoy-Weasley is banned for touching blood of any kind.
  27. Sneaking into the Department of Mysteries with a Grim is expressly forbidden.
  28. THE ELDRITCH ABOMINATION SNAKE IS NOT ALLOWED OUT OF THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS, EVEN TO EAT DEATH EATERS.
  29. Ronald Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to bribe Dean Thomas into tattooing Harry Potter's scar onto his followers.
  30. Draco Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to actively recruit for the Dark Army of Harry Potter.
  31. Whatever that thing with the blood of two students and one teacher and the dust of the Veil in it, it's not allowed to be activated under any circumstances.



# 1996

  1. Ginevra Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to run a collection drive on dead pets and relatives for use in the Dark Army.
  2. Ronald Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to bribe first-years to pledge allegiance to the Dark Army in return for weapons.
  3. Draco Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to declare a blood feud on Zacharias Smith just because he can.
  4. Wilful removal of murder evidence, no matter how impossible to prove, is illegal.
  5. The blood of dead students is not to be used in strengthening rituals.
  6. Christmastime is not a good time to arrive back from holidays and violently stab multiple cursed objects.
  7. Spreading rumours about the arrival of 'Dear Nutty Murderous Uncle Siri' is not allowed.
  8. Breeding Niffler-Runespors and Abomination Snake Spawn together is not allowed.
  9. ~~Hermione Granger is not allowed anywhere in the castle without supervision.~~
  10. Prefects are required to confiscate Harry Potter's invisibility cloak if found.
  11. Hermione Granger is to return to living in the dormitory in return for a full pardon.
  12. Frederick and George Malfoy-Weasley are not allowed to live in the castle post-graduation.
  13. Ronald Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to throw knives at Ernie MacMillan for 'stupidity' and 'disrupting breakfast'..
  14. Ginevra Malfoy-Weasley is not to bribe Professor Slughorn into brewing Felix Felicis.
  15. Professor Snape is not the 'Prince of the Dark'.
  16. Professor Snape is not the 'High Priest of Potioneering'.
  17. No nicknames for Professor Snape.
  18. Harry Potter is not allowed to experiment with potions without supervision.
  19. Harry Potter is not allowed to experiment with potions with supervision.
  20. Dennis Creevey is not allowed to procure blood for Harry in lieu of Ginevra.
  21. ~~Luna Lovegood is not the High Priestess of the Sight.~~
  22. The Quibbler is banned, again, for spreading overt messages of rebellion.
  23. Singing the Dark Lord Potter Anthem in Georgian is banned.
  24. Singing Georgian swear words to the tune of the Dark Lord Potter Anthem is banned.
  25. Vanishing Cabinets are not to be burnt at the stake.
  26. Ginevra Malfoy-Weasley is banned from interacting with Luna Lovegood alone.
  27. Stabbing the Lost Diadem of Ravenclaw is to occur out of the line of sight of Ravenclaws.
  28. Hermione Granger is banned from collaborating with Professor Flitwick unsupervised.
  29. The Eldritch Abominations may be let out for the express purpose of eating Death Eaters.
  30. Dumbledore's corpse may not be reanimated as an Inferius.
  31. R.A.B is not to be referred to as 'Dear Departed Death-Eater Uncle Reggie'.



# 1997

  1. Harry Potter is not to be worshipped in secret.
  2. Singing the Dark Lord Potter Anthem II in Latin scares the first years and is not allowed.
  3. Professor Flitwick is not to be referred to as 'the Goblin Contact of the Dark Army'.
  4. ~~Just because the goblins are gearing up for war does not mean they're ready to go to war.~~
  5. Dennis Creevey is not to perform sacrifices in lieu of Ginevra Malfoy-Weasley.
  6. Ginevra Malfoy-Weasley is not to graffiti 'Potter's Dark Army, Still Recruiting' on the wall.
  7. Especially not in pig's blood.
  8. Especially not in the blood of Zacharias Smith.
  9. ~~Luna Lovegood is not receiving messages from Draco Malfoy-Weasley in her dreams.~~
  10. ~~Professor McGonagall and Professor Snape are not High Priestess and Priest Lieutenant of Potter's Dark Army.~~
  11. Draco Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to have students smuggle in recordings of him ranting about the heathens.
  12. Ronald Malfoy-Weasley is not to send first-years knives in the mail.
  13. Ronald Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to send first-years daggers in the mail.
  14. Ronald Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to send first-years unlit bombs in the mail.
  15. Ronald Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to send anyone mail at all.
  16. Students are not to let out the Eldritch Abominations.
  17. Holding Amycus Carrow hostage is not allowed.
  18. Amycus Carrow's blood is not to be used in rituals.
  19. Amycus Carrow's nails are not to be used in rituals.
  20. Amycus Carrow is not to be obliviated.
  21. ~~Blaise Zabini and Justin Finch-Fletchley are not Priests of the Dark Lord Potter.~~
  22. ~~Padma Patil and Tracey Davis are not Priestesses of the Dark Lord Potter.~~
  23. Owls and Thunderbird-Roc-Augrey crossbreeds are not the same thing.
  24. Teachers are not to be ritually sacrificed.
  25. ~~Patronuses are not to be used inside the castle.~~
  26. ~~Ronald Malfoy-Weasley is not a High General of Potter's Dark Army. Nor is 'Dear Nutty Murderous Uncle Siri' or Professor Lupin.~~
  27. Hermione Granger and Percival Malfoy-Weasley are not to be smuggled into the school to free the Abominations.
  28. Draco Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to teach the second-years murder curses, ~~nor is he to be referred to as 'Your Lordship'.~~
  29. Frederick and George Malfoy-Weasley are not to use dark magic to resurrect each other with abandon. They're traumatizing the first-years.
  30. Goblins are not permitted on school grounds with weapons. Nor is William Malfoy-Weasley. Or his wife.
  31. Charles Malfoy-Weasley is not allowed to smuggle dragons onto the school grounds, nor is he allowed to command the Abomination Snake to eat Nagini.
  32. ~~Harry Potter is not the High Dark Lord of Britain.~~



**Author's Note:**

> There was indeed an inspiration. So if anyone knows of a half-finished Narcissa-and-Lucius-Adopt-Countless-Children fic, shoot me a comment. Thanks!


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